Can people really be this stupid?
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head
and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart
with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the
belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they
keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she
could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know
how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't
think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit
card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I
inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady
weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's
a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was
none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use
copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern
took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when
a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the
vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally
looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations
department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have problems with their computers. One
night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had
this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the
kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some
Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some
ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
Jan 31, 2013
Jan 30, 2013
Funny book report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Jan 29, 2013
Canada.. ehh
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ..
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.
Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
・ Californians shiver uncontrollably.
・ Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
・ Italian Cars won't start
・ Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
・ American water freezes
・ Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
・ New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
・ Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
・ Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
・ Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
・ Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
・ Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
・ Ethyl alcohol freezes.
・ Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
・ Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
・ Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
・ Hell freezes over.
・ The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ..
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.
Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
・ Californians shiver uncontrollably.
・ Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
・ Italian Cars won't start
・ Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
・ American water freezes
・ Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
・ New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
・ Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
・ Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
・ Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
・ Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
・ Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
・ Ethyl alcohol freezes.
・ Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
・ Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
・ Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
・ Hell freezes over.
・ The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Jan 27, 2013
army jokes
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he
hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find
buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his
ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Funny book report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
Jan 2, 2013
Job interview
Vice Presidents and personnel
directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to
describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective
employees...
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during
the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during
the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
Jan 1, 2013
Home remedies
It is always important to have a plan of
action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are
some helpful tips that could really help out...
1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough
7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.
1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough
7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.
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