Aug 31, 2012

Stupid jokes


Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!

How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"

and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?
He can't find the 11 on the phone!

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

Aug 30, 2012

Things to ponder


1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
 for large lists.

Aug 29, 2012

Funny names A-B


A-B
Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires)
Abe Rudder (Hey Brother)
Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday)
Abel N. Willan (Able and Willing)
Achilles Punks (I'll Kill These Punks)
Adam Bomb (Atom Bomb)
Adam Meway (Out of My Way)
Adam Sapple (Adam's Apple)
Adolf Oliver Nippils (Ate Off All Of Her Nipples)
Al B. Zienya (I'll Be Seeing You)
Al DePantzeu (I'll De-Pants You)
Al Gore-Rythim (Algorithym)
Al Kaholic (Alcoholic)
Al Kaseltzer (Alkaseltzer)
Al Kickurass (I'll Kick Your Ass)
Al Killeu (I'll Kill You)
Al Luminum (Aluminum)
Al Nino (El Nino)
Al O'Moaney (Alimony)
Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll Fuck Anyone)
Alec Tricity (Electricity)
Alex Blaine Layder (I'll Explain Later)
Alf Abet (Alphabet)
Ali Gator (Ali Gator)
Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina)
Amanda B. Recandwithe (A Man to Be Reckoned With)
Amanda Lay (A Man To Lay)
Amanda Hugnkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss)
Andy Gravity (Anti-Gravity)
Andy Structible (Indestructible)
Anita Cock (I need a cock)
Anita Bath (I Need A Bath)
Anita Hoare (I Need A Whore)
Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous)
Ann Chovie (Anchovy)
Ann Tartica (Antartica)
Anna Linjection (Anal Injection)
Anna Mull (Animal)
Anna Rexiya (Anorexia)
Anne T. Lope (Antelope)
Annie Buddyhome (Anybody Home)
Annie Mah (Enema)
Ariel Hassle (A Real Hassle)
Artie Choke (Artichoke)
Aunty Biotic (Anti-Biotic)
Ayma Dommy (I'm A Dummy)
Ayma Moron (I'm a Moron)
Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire)
Barb E. Cue (Barbecue)
Barry D'Alive (Buried Alive)
Barry D. Hatchett (Bury the Hatchett)
Barry Shmelly (Very Smelly)
Bart Ender (Bartender)
Bea O'Problem (B.O. Problem)
Bea Sting (Bee Sting)
Beau Vine (Bovine)
Ben Crobbery (Bank Robbery)
Ben Dover (Bend Over)
Ben O'Drill (Benadryl)
Ben Thair (Been There)
Ben Lyon (Been lieing)
Bess Twishes (Best Wishes)
Betty Bangzer (Bet He Bangs Her)
Betty Beatzer (Bet He Beats Her)
Betty Humpser (Bet He Humps Her)
Bill Board (Billboard)
Bill Ding (Building)
Bill Leeake (Belly Ache)
Bill Lowney (Bologna)
Bjorn Free (Born Free)
Bo Nessround (Bonus Round)
Bob Frapples (Bob for Apples)
Bowen Arrow (Bow and Arrow)
Boyd Schidt (Bird Shit)
Brice Tagg (Price Tag)
Brighton Early (Bright and Early)
Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge)
Bud Weiser (Budweiser)
Burnedette Down (Burnt it Down)
Buster Cherry (Bust her Cherry)
Buster Hymen (Bust her Hymen)

Aug 28, 2012

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them


Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks.

People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so

Aug 27, 2012

Bill Gates' Adventures in Heaven

Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."

"You guess right."

So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"

Aug 26, 2012

Anxious pregnant woman

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. 

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Aug 24, 2012

Love for the programmers

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just declare darkness the standard
_________________________________________________________________________________

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
7. You understand #8.
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.
9. You know more programming commands than actual words.
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)
_________________________________________________________________________________

How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. “We’ll document it in the manual.”
_________________________________________________________________________________

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

Aug 23, 2012

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.” The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.” The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.” The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.” Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.

You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”

Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Aug 22, 2012

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

Aug 21, 2012

A worried CEO


A CEO has his business going well, but he’s a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I’d like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it’s 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I’m not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I’m late. I’m sorry. I didn’t already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196… and… let’s say… 5.659. But I’ll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!

A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So… How much do you think it makes?
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh… you don’t want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. – Indeed.
- So, let’s say 6! No, excuse me, you’re not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that’s the price I’ make for my best friend!
Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I’m convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!
And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is… It is… Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?

Aug 20, 2012

Wine tasting for the pros

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, ”It’s a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.
“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”
“Correct.”
A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant … and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father.”

Ghosts in the night

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, “Look at he window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

Aug 19, 2012

Anger management – how to deal with it

“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right fucking number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “asshole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an asshole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole” and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, asshole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“

Aug 18, 2012

McDonald’s application form

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!



NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Aug 17, 2012

English teacher

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes mum – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.

The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”

The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get fish and chips, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”

“Mint! – but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me.”

Aug 16, 2012

Popsicle maker

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

“Oh, how are you going to do it,” asks one of the guys.

“Whatever your fathers jobs were, that’s how I’ll remove them,” says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy, “Your father was a lumberjack… So I’ll cut it off with a saw.”

To the second guy he says, “Your father was a blacksmith… So I’m going to burn it off.”

As he calls the third guy over he notices he’s smiling.

“Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends` penises,” says the devil.

“I know,” replies the man, “but my father was a popsicle maker.”

Aug 15, 2012

Safe to eat and drink all you like

For those of you who watch what you eat, here is the final word on Nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

Aug 14, 2012

I need a parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says, “With my dick, you dummy!”

The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish.”

The guy says, “Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for.” The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says, “What’s up?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says, “Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says, “He did?”

The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says, “My God! What happened next?!?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Aug 13, 2012

vacuum cleaner

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps a bucket of cow shit all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning up that horse shit, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “Do You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

Aug 12, 2012

Revenge is a dish best served

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!

Aug 10, 2012

A Mother's Dictionary


Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Aug 9, 2012

Wedding revenge

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.

He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

Aug 8, 2012

The War is Over

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Aug 7, 2012

Questions


Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.

“How does this boat float?”

Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”

Aug 6, 2012

Bon appétit!


Mr. Singh from India who was touring the United States, decided to take a cruise. He found himself seated in front of a Frenchman in the ship's dining room. Mr. Singh could speak neither French nor English, and the French guy had no knowledge of Hindi or Punjabi languages.

The Frenchman bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"

Mr. Singh was confused, but he bowed back and replied "Singh."

For the next couple of days, the same routine followed at every meal.

One day, a fellow passenger took Mr. Singh aside and said to him, "Listen, the Frenchman is not telling you his name. When he says 'Bon appétit!', it simply means 'Good Appetite'."

During the next meal, a confident Mr. Singh, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".

And the Frenchman, smiling back, replied: "Singh!"

Aug 4, 2012

Fourth of July joke


When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. A confused Marco Polo came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marco was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"

Aug 3, 2012

Mrs. Cooper's 101st Birthday


Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.

Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."

Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."

“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”

Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!”

Aug 2, 2012

Christmas letter from Barbie to Santa


Dear Santa (From Barbie)

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie

Aug 1, 2012

Feed the pigs


There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

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