Jun 30, 2012

Women!


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course .. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

...


...



...

"HEBREWS"

Jun 29, 2012

Dear dad letter


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

Jun 28, 2012

Choosing a password


During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin


When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied

''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Birthday

Every morning a man passes a house in his street and every morning he sees a woman in her front garden beating her husband over the head with a French loaf.

This goes on for months until one morning he passes the house and sees the woman is beating her husband
with a large ├ęclair. Later that day he meets the woman in the street.

‘Aren’t you the woman who beats her husband with a French loaf?’ asks the man.

‘Only, today, I could have sworn you were hitting him with a big cake.’

‘Oh, I was,’ replies the woman. ‘Today is his birthday.’

Jun 26, 2012

Stupid husband


A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that  accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. 
She was expecting something like this........


  
But her husband presented her with something very different... 







Jun 25, 2012

That's when the fight started


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

****

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
& And then the fight started ...

****

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

****

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

****

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

****

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

****

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


Jun 24, 2012

From the mouth of a child ..


HOW  DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 
(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like  sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
      - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow  up who they're going tomarry.God decides it all way before, and  you get to find out later who you'restuck with.
      -  Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE  RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because  you know the person FOREVER bythen.
      - Camille,  age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to getmarried.
     -  Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF  TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on  whether they seem to be yellingat  the same kids.
      - Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK  YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any  more kids.
     - Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO  ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people  should use them to get to knoweach other. Even boys have something  to say if you listen long enough.
     - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't  she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they  just tell each other lies and that usuallygets them interested enough  to go for a second date.
     - Martin, age  10 (Who  said boys don't have brains?)


WHAT  WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next  day I would call all thenewspapers and make sure they wrote about me  in all the dead columns.
     -Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO  KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
      -  Pam, age 7 (I  could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you  have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to messwith that.
      - Curt, age  7   (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss  someone, then you shouldmarry them and have kids with them. It's the  right thing to do.
     - Howard, age  8 (Who  made THAT rule?)


IS IT BETTER TO BE  SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single  but not for boys. Boys need someoneto clean up after them.
      - Anita, age 9 (bless  you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE  DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be  a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
      - Kelvin,  age 8




HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A  MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,  even if she looks like atruck.
    - Ricky, age 10     (The boy already understands)


Jun 23, 2012

Two priest go to Hawaii on vacation


Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. 


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. 
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.  
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. 
They couldn't help but stare.
   

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
  
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?   So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. 
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! 

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.   
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.   Again she nodded at each of them, said 

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.   One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'   
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'   
She replied,





'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Jun 22, 2012

The modern toilet eatery




The 'Modern Toilet' eatery:
Modern Toilet is a Taipei restaurant. It accommodates 100 seats with each made from toilet bowls.
The specialties at the restaurant accompany sink faucets and gender-coded 'WC' signs that appear on the three-story structure.
The food is served in mini plastic toilet bowls.
The toilet rolls that serve for wiping hand and mouth are hung above the tables, which may resemble glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.
















Jun 21, 2012

LOL



Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

*****

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.

*****

7 qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful,

Responsible

Energetic

Adorable

Sweet

Truthful and

Self-Organized.

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

****

Q: Who is a gynecologist?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

****

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

****

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

****

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

****

Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

****

Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

****

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"

****


Last but not least

Secret of long life...

Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs...

Jun 20, 2012

Stupid questions with smart answers


BOY : May I hold your hand? 
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy. 

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me! 
BOY: You love me... 

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? 
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?? 

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest. 
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple 

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever. 
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?? 

BOY: I love you and I could die for you! 
GIRL: How soon?? 

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there?? 


SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? 
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. 

MAN: You remind me of the sea. 
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 
MAN: NO, because you make me sick. 

WIFE: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. 
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? 
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 

GIRLFRIEND: '...And are you sure you love me and no one else?' 
BOYFRIEND: 'Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday'.  

TEACHER: 'Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?' 
PUPIL: 'The moon'. 
TEACHER: 'Why?' 
PUPIL : 'The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it'.   

TEACHER: 'What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?' 
PUPIL: 'A teacher'.  

WAITER: 'Would you like your coffee black?' 
CUSTOMER: 'What other colors do you have?'  

TEACHER : 'Sam, you talk a lot !' 
SAM : 'It's a family tradition'. 
TEACHER : 'What do you mean?' 
SAM : 'Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher'. 
TEACHER : 'What about your mother?' 
SAM : 'She's a woman'.  

TOM : 'How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?' 
DAVID: 'You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated'.  

TEACHER : 'Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?' 
STUDENT : 'Brotherly love'.  

TEACHER : 'Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?' 
SAM : 'No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook'.  

PATIENT : 'What are the chances of my recovering doctor?' 
DOCTOr : 'One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died'.  

TEACHER : ' Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?' 
ONE STUDENT : 'Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.'  

Jun 19, 2012

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?


Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows say 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
  
Regards,
Banta

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Jun 17, 2012

Geography of women


Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope. 

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Ageing

Tina asks Bill, "Will you love me when I'm old and graying?"

Bill replies, "Just love you? I shall admire you. I shall worship the very ground that you walk on. I shall...", then asks hesitantly, "you're not going to look like your mother, are you?"

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