Feb 28, 2013
Guy names
Aarons are dependable and talented.
Allens are preppy.
Alexes like porno, usually hot in a skater kinda way
Everyone has an Andy.
Bens are the smart, silent type.
Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.
Bob is the universal name.
Brads try too hard.
Brandons are dark haired, players.
Bretts are shy and clumsy.
Brians usually have only one good feature (but I haven't quite found it yet)
Calebs never grow up.
Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.
Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.
Charlies are walking sex.
Chris' are undefined and should remain so.
Craigs are a little misguided.
Dans are thick.
Daves are impossible to get over.
Dennis' are quiet, desperate flirts.
Devons are destined for trouble.
Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.
Eds are thbp
Eddies are fast.
Erics are forgettable.
Ethans smell .
Franks and Tony's are Italian Stallions.
Fred is in the chess club.
Fredericks could be snotty.
Garys are gross Nazi's.
Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.
Glens are either short or intelligent.
Gregs are bizarre.
Initial name guys are cool.
Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive .
James' are egotistical and stupid.
Jamies are shy but cuddly.
Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.
Jasons are fun loving and handsome.
Jeffs are lost puppies, though they are adorable.
Jeremys are a tad fruity.
Jimmy's are sweet and sexy!
Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.
Joels are frustrated. tend to hang out with Nelsons
It's hard to stand out if your name is John.
Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.
Justins mess with your mind.
Kevins have swanky hair.
Keith is built, but dry and annoying. It's like dating a broom.
Kens just don't measure-up.
Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks.
Kyles are horny bastards!
There is always something wrong with a Kurt.
Leonards are avid bug collectors.
Lesters are molesters.
Lonnies are nasty.
Marcus' are players
Marks are 'touchy.'
Martins have a strange sense of humor.
Matts are queer- one T or two.
Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.
Nates are cocky for a reason.
Nelsons are home-schooled.
Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.
Owens have large families and drive fast.
Patricks are also incredibly sexy.
Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.
Peters are stalkers.
Phils are sensitive but geeky.
Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.
Rays are players but majorly hot!
Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.
Richard--Dick, need I say more?
Rickies are very sensitive, cute, and charming!
Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.
Robins are tormented.
Rod (the name itself) is perverted.
Rons are into pasta.
Roys are so childish.
Ryans are never appreciated.
Sams just like sex.
Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.
Shawns are sweet in one-on-one situations.
Shanes are shady.
Simons are thin.
Steves are extremes (usually incredibly good looking incredibly bad)
Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.
Timothys like to be mommied.
Todds are sweet, sporty guys.
Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.
Tommys are way to possessive & need to get a life!
Travis' are dumb jocks.
Tylers are genetically small .
Vances are good conversationalists.
Wesleys are romantic.
Williams are fat.
Zacks are good looking, but aloof
Feb 27, 2013
University joke
These University jokes are poking fun at the
"other" universities in your area. We welcome University
jokes from universities students around the world...
Canada
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston?
A. Because Queen's blows.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.
Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
A. Immigration.
A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the entire town:
$10 worth of damage was reported.
Remember... friends don't let friends go to U of T... If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock. If you can use a fork, you can go to York. If you are a conceited, arrogant bastard, you can go to Ryerson.
United States / Australia / Europe
Q. What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A. A coach
Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!
Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
I have nothing against the University of Kentucky's Basketball team. They have the best team money can buy.
An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Canada
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston?
A. Because Queen's blows.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.
Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
A. Immigration.
A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the entire town:
$10 worth of damage was reported.
Remember... friends don't let friends go to U of T... If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock. If you can use a fork, you can go to York. If you are a conceited, arrogant bastard, you can go to Ryerson.
United States / Australia / Europe
Q. What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A. A coach
Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!
Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
I have nothing against the University of Kentucky's Basketball team. They have the best team money can buy.
An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Feb 26, 2013
Haloween contest
Reasons you won't win the local annual
Halloween costume contest...
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.
Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.
Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
*Nobody* likes a farting clown.
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.
Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.
Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
*Nobody* likes a farting clown.
Feb 25, 2013
weird jokes
A blind man walks in to a department store
with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager
behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer
is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away
again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the
blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a
problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The
blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking
around."
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''
So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...
Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.
Mr. Bradley : "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife."
Mr. Peabody : "What brand name is your washer machine?"
Mr. Bradley : "Why??.. I don't know ... Why? "
Mr. Peabody : " I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation Mr. Bradley.
Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine.
So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).
Mr. Peabody : " What's the voltage. Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
Mr. Bradley : " I don't know and I don't care! ... Just sell me the stupid detergent!!!!..."
Mr. Peabody : " I can't.. I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine."
So angrily... Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbors, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.
Mr. Bradley : " SAM.... what in the world is going on? why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"
Sam : " Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering." Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quite and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.
Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying : " Well Mr. Peabody.... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW.... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Dear friends, it is with the
saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''
So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...
Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.
Mr. Bradley : "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife."
Mr. Peabody : "What brand name is your washer machine?"
Mr. Bradley : "Why??.. I don't know ... Why? "
Mr. Peabody : " I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation Mr. Bradley.
Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine.
So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).
Mr. Peabody : " What's the voltage. Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
Mr. Bradley : " I don't know and I don't care! ... Just sell me the stupid detergent!!!!..."
Mr. Peabody : " I can't.. I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine."
So angrily... Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbors, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.
Mr. Bradley : " SAM.... what in the world is going on? why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"
Sam : " Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering." Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quite and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.
Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying : " Well Mr. Peabody.... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW.... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"
Feb 24, 2013
Pet truths
Some self-evident truths about pets...
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Feb 23, 2013
Really bored
Things you can do with absolutely
nothing...
Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Feb 22, 2013
Idiots everywhere
IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No fucking kidding, idiot!
IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".
Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.
Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right fuckin' on it, Babe.
Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a fucking hamburger to me.
Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"
Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!
Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.
Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No fucking kidding, idiot!
IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".
Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.
Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right fuckin' on it, Babe.
Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a fucking hamburger to me.
Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"
Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!
Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.
Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"
Feb 21, 2013
Performance review
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Feb 20, 2013
Pjone jokes
Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
A. Bell-bottoms!
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!
Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.
Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!
A. Bell-bottoms!
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!
Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.
Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!
Feb 19, 2013
Important mails
Thanks to my friends who sent me such
important emails in 2004 and 2005. It's so wonderful that you included
me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the
same!
Because of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
Because of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
Feb 18, 2013
computer lies
If you have any problems, just
call us.
What you see on the screen, you get on paper when you print.
Someone must have erased my files.
They don't make those chips anymore.
If kids use them, so can adults.
Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.
You won't need any special training.
There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.
It's the fastest model out there.
The manual explains everything.
Yes, this notebook is incredibly light weight.
What you see on the screen, you get on paper when you print.
Someone must have erased my files.
They don't make those chips anymore.
If kids use them, so can adults.
Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.
You won't need any special training.
There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.
It's the fastest model out there.
The manual explains everything.
Yes, this notebook is incredibly light weight.
Feb 17, 2013
Translation
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
Feb 16, 2013
Work laws
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Feb 15, 2013
Kitchen signs
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Feb 14, 2013
Valentine's day cards
These rejected Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Feb 13, 2013
vaseline biker
A young man has always dreamed on owning a
Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he
goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the
dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome
has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick
is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the
bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
Feb 12, 2013
Top 10 Winners in the 'Not Playing With a Full Deck' Contest...
1. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
2. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
3. A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So
he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
4. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
5. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
6. R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
7. Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.
8. A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9. Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
10. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Feb 11, 2013
some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...
If you don�t know what it is, call it an �issue��
If you don�t know how it works, call it a �process��
If you don�t know whether its worth doing, call it an �option��
If you don�t know how it could possibly be done call it a �challenge� or an �exciting opportunity��
If you want to confuse people, ask them about �customers��
If you don�t know how to do something, �empower� someone else to do it for you�
If you can�t take decisions, �create space� for others to operate�
If you need a decision, call a �workshop� to �network� and �ground
the issue�, followed by an �awayday� to �position the elephant in the room� and achieve �buy-in��
Never criticize or boast, call it �information sharing��
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a �positive learning experience��
Never argue, have an �adult conversation��
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can�t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights�
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt�
Don�t be irreplaceable, if you can�t be replaced, you can�t be promoted�
It doesn�t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you�ve done and what you�re going to do�
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before�
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get�
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat�
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day�
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves�
If at first you don�t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it�
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office�
Keep your boss�s boss off your boss�s back�
Everything can be filed under �pending.��
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour�
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy�
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn�t the work he/she is supposed to be doing�
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail�
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it�
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk�
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn�t�
If it wasn�t for the last minute, nothing would get done�
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying�
When you don�t know what to do, walk fast and look worried�
Following the rules will not get the job done�
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules�
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, �How would the Lone Ranger handle this?��
No matter how much you do, you never do enough�
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong�
Feb 10, 2013
Marriage quote
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife
asked, �What�s on the TV?� I said, �Dust!�
In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn�t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife�s birthday is to forget it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, �I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.�
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.
In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn�t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife�s birthday is to forget it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, �I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.�
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.
Feb 9, 2013
stupid questions
As far as stupid questions go, these are
the stupidest...
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Feb 8, 2013
Star wars pant
Just in case you think you've heard it
all... We got our hands on a little known about revision of the
original Star Wars movie script that substitutes the word "pants"
into many of the lines...
DARTH VADER: I find your lack of pants disturbing.
DARTH VADER: General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
LUKE: I used to bullseye wamprats in my pants back home...
LUKE AND HAN: Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
DARTH VADER: You are unwise to lower your pants.
HAN: You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
HAN: Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
LANDO: That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
LEIA: I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
DARTH VADER: A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
HAN: Hey, don't worry. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
HAN: Maybe you'd like it better back in your pants, your highness.
GREEDO: Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
HAN: Short pants is better than no pants at all.
YODA: Pants not make one great.
LUKE: I sense the conflict within you, let go of your pants!
YODA: Pants you I can, yes, mmmmhhhhmmmm....
HAN: That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their pants when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
HAN AND LEIA: I love pants. I know.
HAN: watch it kid or you're gonna find your pants floating home.
HAN: I thought pants smelled bad on the outside.
YODA: Your pants, you will not need them.
WUHER: Your pants. They'll have to wait outside, we don't want them here.
STORMTROOPER, LUKE AND OBI-WAN: How long have you had these pants? About three or four seasons. They're up for sale if you want them.
DARTH VADER: I find your lack of pants disturbing.
DARTH VADER: General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
LUKE: I used to bullseye wamprats in my pants back home...
LUKE AND HAN: Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
DARTH VADER: You are unwise to lower your pants.
HAN: You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
HAN: Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
LANDO: That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
LEIA: I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
DARTH VADER: A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
HAN: Hey, don't worry. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
HAN: Maybe you'd like it better back in your pants, your highness.
GREEDO: Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
HAN: Short pants is better than no pants at all.
YODA: Pants not make one great.
LUKE: I sense the conflict within you, let go of your pants!
YODA: Pants you I can, yes, mmmmhhhhmmmm....
HAN: That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their pants when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
HAN AND LEIA: I love pants. I know.
HAN: watch it kid or you're gonna find your pants floating home.
HAN: I thought pants smelled bad on the outside.
YODA: Your pants, you will not need them.
WUHER: Your pants. They'll have to wait outside, we don't want them here.
STORMTROOPER, LUKE AND OBI-WAN: How long have you had these pants? About three or four seasons. They're up for sale if you want them.
Feb 7, 2013
Nerdy T-shirt
<-------- The information went data way
--------
11th Commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's system.
2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
�640K ought to be enough for anybody.� - Bill Gates, 1981
A computer's attention span is as long as it's Power Cord.
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSII...
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% COMPRESSION
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 Yards to Go!
Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand In The corner.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
COMPUTER UPGRADE: Take old bugs out... Put New Ones In.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
E Pluribus Modem
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error? Impossible! My Modem is Error Correcting.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny.
File not found. Should I Fake It? (Y/N)
Go ahead, make my data!
Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
If all else fails: joe-ks.com
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Press any key... no, No, NO!!! Not THAT one!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
The name is Baud... James Baud.
Ultimate office automation: Networked Coffee.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Who's General Failure & why is he reading My disk?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
11th Commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's system.
2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
�640K ought to be enough for anybody.� - Bill Gates, 1981
A computer's attention span is as long as it's Power Cord.
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSII...
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% COMPRESSION
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 Yards to Go!
Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand In The corner.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
COMPUTER UPGRADE: Take old bugs out... Put New Ones In.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
E Pluribus Modem
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error? Impossible! My Modem is Error Correcting.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny.
File not found. Should I Fake It? (Y/N)
Go ahead, make my data!
Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
If all else fails: joe-ks.com
Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Press any key... no, No, NO!!! Not THAT one!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
The name is Baud... James Baud.
Ultimate office automation: Networked Coffee.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Who's General Failure & why is he reading My disk?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Feb 6, 2013
Moving a computer
Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new
location for whatever reason; installing/adding new
hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access",
for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).
Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.
Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.
1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.
2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.
3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.
4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.
5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.
6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.
7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.
8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.
9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.
10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.
11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.
12. Plug monitor in.
13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.
14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.
15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.
16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.
17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.
Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.
Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.
1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.
2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.
3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.
4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.
5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.
6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.
7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.
8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.
9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.
10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.
11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.
12. Plug monitor in.
13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.
14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.
15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.
16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.
17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.
Feb 5, 2013
Funny quips
Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.
My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.
It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.
During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.
Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.
My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.
Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!
The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.
If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.
The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!
I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.
An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.
Murray: My accountant.
When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.
My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.
It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.
During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.
Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.
My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.
Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!
The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.
If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.
The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!
I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.
An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.
Feb 4, 2013
Gangsta text
The following exam was administered
to gangsters as their version of the SAT, this version is known as
the official GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)...
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
9) Tek 9 : Gatt :
So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here!
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40's2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:
B. A new pair of Fila's
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama
A. Bust a cap in his ass3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:
B. Say, "Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama
A. Shit goes down in da hood4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do'no maff
D. Yo mama
A. Haff5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDeesJOG-MAFEE
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do'no maff
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika8) What am da capita of California?
B. Mehico
C. Compton
D. Souff Centra
E. Yo mama
A. Da HoodANALAMA-G'S
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton
9) Tek 9 : Gatt :
A. Yo mama : Dashikki10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic :
B. Fila's : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive's : Colt 45
A. Da Man : Da SystumNOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki
So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here!
Feb 3, 2013
Not full deck
Top 10 Winners in the 'Not Playing With a
Full Deck' Contest...
1. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
2. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
3. A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So
he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
4. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
5. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
6. R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
7. Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.
8. A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9. Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
10. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
1. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
2. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
3. A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So
he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
4. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
5. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
6. R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
7. Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.
8. A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9. Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
10. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Feb 2, 2013
New dog varieties
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...
Feb 1, 2013
Gender poetry
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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