Painless labour for mom and dad!

A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

A list of things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Oops!!!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
Damn, there go the lights again...
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
What do you mean, he's not insured?
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

The parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely.  It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Some funny small ones..

1. Losing all your friends 
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted 
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE 
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. Confidential 
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


6. Anger management? 
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Good manners!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

Superfast

One night, Superman was on the roof of a tall building looking around the city for something to do.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find anything to do so he called Batman.
"Hello." said Batman.
"Hey Batman, it's Superman. Want to hang out tonight?"
"Oh I can't." said Batman, "Robin and I are washing the Bat Mobile."
"Alright, maybe another time then. Bye." said Superman.

So Superman looked around some more for something to do then he decided to call Aquaman.
"Hello." said Aquaman.
"Hey Aquaman, it's Superman. What are you up to?"
"I'm training dolphins right now and I really can't talk." said Aquaman.
"Ok, bye." said Superman.
"Bye." said Aquaman.

So once again Superman was looking around for something to do
when all of a sudden, through an open window, he sees Wonder Woman lying naked in bed.
So he gets an idea.
With his super speed, he flies in the window, f*cks her in an instant and flies back out.
Then Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?!?"
and the Invisible Man said "I don't know, but it just tore the hell out of my ass!!!"

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family was at the dinner table.
The son asked his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, said, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they're like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiled and said, 'Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

Turn-off

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."


Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."


Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"


Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."


Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

Putting it in

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."
"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

Italian morale

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson.

Don: “I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.


Grandson: “But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.”

Don: “You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

Marketing Concepts

 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
 "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing

 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
 girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." -That's Advertising

 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
 telephone number. The next day, you call and say:
 "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and
 straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you
 open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say : "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
 5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: 
"You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

 6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
 7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap
 8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your market share
 9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets

Wrong e-mail address

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,

so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally

typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he

sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home

from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,

expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer

Screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Reached

Date : 28 Jun 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

Dealing with a Prostitute

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their c0cktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Who created the Universe?

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.  

one year, one wish

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f*ck him, he's in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"