Golfing quotes

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." -- Winston Churchill

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." -- Jack Benny

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam
Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club
ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two
to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not
even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by
their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and
called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a
birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in
the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." --
Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field
fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot
the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I
asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi
Rodriguez

Old age benefit

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

Guy names

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Aarons are dependable and talented.
Allens are preppy.
Alexes like porno, usually hot in a skater kinda way
Everyone has an Andy.
Bens are the smart, silent type.
Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.
Bob is the universal name.
Brads try too hard.
Brandons are dark haired, players.
Bretts are shy and clumsy.
Brians usually have only one good feature (but I haven't quite found it yet)
Calebs never grow up.
Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.
Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.
Charlies are walking sex.
Chris' are undefined and should remain so.
Craigs are a little misguided.
Dans are thick.
Daves are impossible to get over.
Dennis' are quiet, desperate flirts.
Devons are destined for trouble.
Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.
Eds are thbp
Eddies are fast.
Erics are forgettable.
Ethans smell .
Franks and Tony's are Italian Stallions.
Fred is in the chess club.
Fredericks could be snotty.
Garys are gross Nazi's.
Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.
Glens are either short or intelligent.
Gregs are bizarre.
Initial name guys are cool.
Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive .
James' are egotistical and stupid.
Jamies are shy but cuddly.
Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.
Jasons are fun loving and handsome.
Jeffs are lost puppies, though they are adorable.
Jeremys are a tad fruity.
Jimmy's are sweet and sexy!
Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.
Joels are frustrated. tend to hang out with Nelsons
It's hard to stand out if your name is John.
Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.
Justins mess with your mind.
Kevins have swanky hair.
Keith is built, but dry and annoying. It's like dating a broom.
Kens just don't measure-up.
Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks.
Kyles are horny bastards!
There is always something wrong with a Kurt.
Leonards are avid bug collectors.
Lesters are molesters.
Lonnies are nasty.
Marcus' are players
Marks are 'touchy.'
Martins have a strange sense of humor.
Matts are queer- one T or two.
Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.
Nates are cocky for a reason.
Nelsons are home-schooled.
Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.
Owens have large families and drive fast.
Patricks are also incredibly sexy.
Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.
Peters are stalkers.
Phils are sensitive but geeky.
Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.
Rays are players but majorly hot!
Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.
Richard--Dick, need I say more?
Rickies are very sensitive, cute, and charming!
Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.
Robins are tormented.
Rod (the name itself) is perverted.
Rons are into pasta.
Roys are so childish.
Ryans are never appreciated.
Sams just like sex.
Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.
Shawns are sweet in one-on-one situations.
Shanes are shady.
Simons are thin.
Steves are extremes (usually incredibly good looking incredibly bad)
Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.
Timothys like to be mommied.
Todds are sweet, sporty guys.
Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.
Tommys are way to possessive & need to get a life!
Travis' are dumb jocks.
Tylers are genetically small .
Vances are good conversationalists.
Wesleys are romantic.
Williams are fat.
Zacks are good looking, but aloof

University joke

These University jokes are poking fun at the "other" universities in your area. We welcome University jokes from universities students around the world...
Canada
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston?
A. Because Queen's blows.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.
Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
A. Immigration.

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A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the entire town:
$10 worth of damage was reported.

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Remember... friends don't let friends go to U of T... If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock. If you can use a fork, you can go to York. If you are a conceited, arrogant bastard, you can go to Ryerson.

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United States / Australia / Europe
Q. What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A. A coach
Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!
Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

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I have nothing against the University of Kentucky's Basketball team. They have the best team money can buy.

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An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Haloween contest

Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"

Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.

Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.

Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.

Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.

You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.

Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.

Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.

Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

*Nobody* likes a farting clown.