The last fight we had was my fault. My wife
asked, �What�s on the TV?� I said, �Dust!�
In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man
has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn�t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife�s birthday is to forget
it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, �I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; then it was too late.�
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look
beautiful.
Showing posts with label wedding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wedding. Show all posts
Feb 10, 2013
Aug 14, 2012
I need a parrot
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my dick, you dummy!”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for.” The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God! What happened next?!?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”
The parrot says, “With my dick, you dummy!”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for.” The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God! What happened next?!?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”
Aug 9, 2012
Wedding revenge
Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.
He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party.
He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.
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