Two drunken men are talking.

Man 1: I am planning to buy the world.
Man 2: You can’t.
Man 1: Why?
Man 2: I am not going to sell it.

Three hunters died on the same day and were sent to heaven

When they got to heaven the were greeted by St. Peters and he asked them what their IQ’s were so he could talk about things they liked.

So the first man said hi Iq was 150. St. Peter said “thats fantastic. we can talk about the NASA program and advanced physic.

The second man preceeded in telling St.Peter that his IQ was 95. St. Peter said “thats terrific, we can talk about engineering and architecture.

St. Peter asked the third man what his IQ was. The man said “37″. St. Peter looked at him and said “well we can talk about… we can talk about…Did you get your deer?”

There was this guy at a bar

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Gay Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

People might think you are a Redneck if...

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

How To Speak Southern

How To Speak Southern

Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup

truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Fishing in a frozen lake

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Things to ponder

1. Is there another word for synonym?

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
 for large lists.

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?

If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!

Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks.

People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so

Efficiency consultant

An efficiency consultant submitted his report of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony No. 8 in B minor:

# All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be reduced.

# For a considerable period of time, above players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

# No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

# The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

Calm and confident

Sunny and Logan were shipwrecked on a remote island. After 2 days, Sunny realized there's no way out of the island and began sobbing. He cried, "There's no food or water here. We are going to die!"

Logan, who was resting against a palm tree, seemed to be calm and composed. Seeing Logan so relaxed, Sunny yelled at him. "Don't you understand? We are going to die!!"

Logan replied, "You don't understand, I make $250,000 a week."

Sunny stared at him in disbelief and asked, "How does it matter?? We're on this god-forsaken island with no food and no water! We're so going to die!!!"

Logan said, "You're not getting it. I earn $250,000 a week and I give 20% to charity. My pastor will find me!"

Women!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course .. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

...


...



...

"HEBREWS"

Dear dad letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

Choosing a password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin


When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied

''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Stupid husband

 

A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that  accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. 

She was expecting something like this........

  

But her husband presented her with something very different... 

That's when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

****

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
& And then the fight started ...

****

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

****

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

****

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

****

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

****

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

Two priest go to Hawaii on vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. 

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. 

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.  

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 

'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. 

They couldn't help but stare.

   

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

  

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?   So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. 

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! 

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.   

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.   Again she nodded at each of them, said 

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.   One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'   

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'   

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

LOL

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

*****

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.

*****

7 qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful,

Responsible

Energetic

Adorable

Sweet

Truthful and

Self-Organized.

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

****

Q: Who is a gynecologist?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

****

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

****

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

****

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

****

Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

****

Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

****

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"

****


Last but not least

Secret of long life...

Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs...

Stupid questions with smart answers

BOY : May I hold your hand? 

GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy. 

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me! 

BOY: You love me... 

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? 

BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?? 

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest. 

BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple 

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever. 

BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?? 

BOY: I love you and I could die for you! 

GIRL: How soon?? 

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there?? 

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? 

TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. 

MAN: You remind me of the sea. 

WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 

MAN: NO, because you make me sick. 

WIFE: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. 

HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? 

PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 

GIRLFRIEND: '...And are you sure you love me and no one else?' 

BOYFRIEND: 'Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday'.  

TEACHER: 'Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?' 

PUPIL: 'The moon'. 

TEACHER: 'Why?' 

PUPIL : 'The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it'.   

TEACHER: 'What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?' 

PUPIL: 'A teacher'.  

WAITER: 'Would you like your coffee black?' 

CUSTOMER: 'What other colors do you have?'  

TEACHER : 'Sam, you talk a lot !' 

SAM : 'It's a family tradition'. 

TEACHER : 'What do you mean?' 

SAM : 'Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher'. 

TEACHER : 'What about your mother?' 

SAM : 'She's a woman'.  

TOM : 'How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?' 

DAVID: 'You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated'.  

TEACHER : 'Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?' 

STUDENT : 'Brotherly love'.  

TEACHER : 'Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?' 

SAM : 'No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook'.  

PATIENT : 'What are the chances of my recovering doctor?' 

DOCTOr : 'One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died'.  

TEACHER : ' Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?' 

ONE STUDENT : 'Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.'  

Drunk

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"