wife joke

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming...
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra

---

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
- Nash

---

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous

---

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman

---

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield

---

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous

---

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous

Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...

"I finished the Oreo's."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Hunting with a wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."