eternal suffering

Jerry dies in a car accident and goes straight to hell to suffer eternally at the hands of the devil. As he passes deadly pits and screaming sinners, he saw a man getting cozy with a beautiful lady. He recognized the man - he was a cunning lawyer who had died a couple of years ago.

"This is not fair!" Jerry exclaims. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer is having fun with a beautiful woman."

"Be quiet!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

Birth of the computer

How the computer came into being
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)

01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.

02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.

03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.

04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.

05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."

06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.

07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.

08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.

09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.

0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.

OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.

0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.

0F. General protection fault.

Diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Useless facts

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are:-
Malboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser - in that order.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

No word in the English dictionary rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no-one knows why.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

A pack-a-day smoker will on average lose 2 teeth, every 10 years.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.