Funny quips

Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.

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When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.

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The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.

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How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

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Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.

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My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.

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It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.

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During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.

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Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.

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My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.

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Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!

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The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.

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Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?

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Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.

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Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.

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If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.

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The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!

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I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.

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An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.